I saw this thread on a forum. It's basically an open declaration to welcome people to come rob you. The thread starter ask everyone to list the top 10 most expensive items they have ever bought. No worries unlike their diamond rings, condos etc, I don't think mine are expensive enough for people to come and steal.
1) MSI GE600 16inch gaming laptop (laptop meant for university and gaming)
2) ASUS Eee Pad Transformer TF101 (tablet used for university and entertainment)
3) HTC Desire Z slide out keyboard phone (current phone)
4) Microsoft Zune HD 32GB Silver (21st birthday present, current PMP)
5) Sony PSP 2000 Silver (portable console meant for army)
6) Timbuk2 laptop backpack HAL (laptop bag for my 16 inch monster laptop)
7) Timbuk2 Classic Messenger S Size (messenger for university)
8) Sennheiser Classic CX300-II Chrome (current earpiece)
9) Braun Buffel wallet (Christmas gift, current wallet)
10) Canon Powershot 1000 (AA battery operated compact camera meant for travel)
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Snippets of My Life: CNY Woes
In my paternal family, there are 5 branches altogether, i.e. to say my grandma had 5 children. All 5 branches have 3 kids each, and they all consist of 1 girl and 2 guys. In general, my cousins get married pretty much on a chronological order. There are 9 cousins (including my sister) older than me, one cousin my age and 4 cousins (including my brother) younger than me. So far 5 of my cousins are married/engaged. Before yesterday, I thought only 3 of my other older cousins are attached. That is to say I had one more older cousin who was still single. He was my shield. They'll get him before they get me. But yesterday he brought his girlfriend along. My shield was gone. My other cousin at the same age as me was attached long ago. I was alone.
I always wondered why other older friends grumble about getting asked about girlfriends and engagement stuff during CNY. It seemed like not big deal to me, until it happened to me. The questionings had to be the single most irritating thing the entire time I was at my grandma's house. Yap yap yap yap yap they went. Why no girlfriend? When are you bringing one back? All just because according to my age, I was the next in line. They asked another younger cousin as well but I think that's because they saw my extremely sian-ed-diao-ed face. When I was lo hei-ing with my family, I had this epic conversation with my second aunt.
Aunt: Wen Qin why you never wish for girlfriend when you lo hei?
Me: Er, I'm busy studying in university.
Aunt: Study also must find mah.
Me: But I got no time for girlfriend.
Aunt: No time also must find. Busy studying then she can support you.
Me: Huh? (What talking you?)
I fled the scene after a while. Spare me all these lah. I might never bring back a girlfriend for what that matters.
I always wondered why other older friends grumble about getting asked about girlfriends and engagement stuff during CNY. It seemed like not big deal to me, until it happened to me. The questionings had to be the single most irritating thing the entire time I was at my grandma's house. Yap yap yap yap yap they went. Why no girlfriend? When are you bringing one back? All just because according to my age, I was the next in line. They asked another younger cousin as well but I think that's because they saw my extremely sian-ed-diao-ed face. When I was lo hei-ing with my family, I had this epic conversation with my second aunt.
Aunt: Wen Qin why you never wish for girlfriend when you lo hei?
Me: Er, I'm busy studying in university.
Aunt: Study also must find mah.
Me: But I got no time for girlfriend.
Aunt: No time also must find. Busy studying then she can support you.
Me: Huh? (What talking you?)
I fled the scene after a while. Spare me all these lah. I might never bring back a girlfriend for what that matters.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Brain Storm: What Is Love
A friend said she's doing a little experiment and asking all her friends to post on her wall what we think love is. This is my answer.
Humans are selfish creatures. We want the best for ourselves. When we fall in love, it makes us happy, naturally. And we want the happiness to ourselves, so we pursue the happiness, or the person who gives us happiness. That's what love is, or so it seems. At least that's what I have always told myself in the past.
But reality isn't as nice as it seems. Sometimes, you being happy doesn't mean the other party will be happy. Sometimes it's just the wrong timing, place, or whatever. And at some point in time, you may find that you aren't happy even if you're with that person. So does this change the meaning of love? Does this mean you do not love that person anymore? I wouldn't think so necessarily. When a relationship between 2 persons bring pain, it doesn't mean love is absent. Sometimes it just mean that you have to love each other in a different way.
So in the end, I decided that love simply means wanting that person to be happy, rather than yourself. Personally I don't think we are that noble of a creature. If love means giving without expecting anything in return, wouldn't you find many people standing stupidly by the ones they love forever even though the love is not reciprocated? Sure the love may stay, but you have to move on right?
But still, we are selfish. We do gain something even by letting go. If you know letting go will be the best for the other person, you will be happy yourself. If you know that making that person happy in any other way except being with him/her, you will be happy yourself.
So after a while, I decided not to be selfish in the "I just want it for myself" way anymore. Because it's better off that way. I won't hold on anymore. And in the end I hope you'll be happier. Really.
Love is wanting the best for someone, wanting him/her to be happy, and be happy when that happens, holding on though it's hard on you, letting go when it's hard on him/her.
Humans are selfish creatures. We want the best for ourselves. When we fall in love, it makes us happy, naturally. And we want the happiness to ourselves, so we pursue the happiness, or the person who gives us happiness. That's what love is, or so it seems. At least that's what I have always told myself in the past.
But reality isn't as nice as it seems. Sometimes, you being happy doesn't mean the other party will be happy. Sometimes it's just the wrong timing, place, or whatever. And at some point in time, you may find that you aren't happy even if you're with that person. So does this change the meaning of love? Does this mean you do not love that person anymore? I wouldn't think so necessarily. When a relationship between 2 persons bring pain, it doesn't mean love is absent. Sometimes it just mean that you have to love each other in a different way.
So in the end, I decided that love simply means wanting that person to be happy, rather than yourself. Personally I don't think we are that noble of a creature. If love means giving without expecting anything in return, wouldn't you find many people standing stupidly by the ones they love forever even though the love is not reciprocated? Sure the love may stay, but you have to move on right?
But still, we are selfish. We do gain something even by letting go. If you know letting go will be the best for the other person, you will be happy yourself. If you know that making that person happy in any other way except being with him/her, you will be happy yourself.
So after a while, I decided not to be selfish in the "I just want it for myself" way anymore. Because it's better off that way. I won't hold on anymore. And in the end I hope you'll be happier. Really.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Ramblings: So As To Not Regret
When I feel like I'm living a life of regrets, I tell myself that I'm thinking too much. Things wouldn't have turned out the way I wanted it anyway, it has nothing to do with my actions or whatnot.
Delusional? Maybe.
Delusional? Maybe.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Brain Storm: Guarding The Age
Shou Sui (守岁) is something which I have been doing since I can remember, probably since kindergarten or something. It is to stay up when the clock strikes 12 midnight on Chinese New Year. It is believed, or so I have been told, that this extends your parents' life span.
I couldn't search the origins properly but it seems that it used to be called Shou Ye 守夜 which literally means guarding the night. In the myths, there was a monster called Nian (年) (translated to "year" in Chinese) who disrupts the lives of many, attacking villages late at night. The people finally found a way to scare the monster by creating loud noises. So they set off firecrackers and made a lot of noise on one night and scared off Nian. That day became Chinese New Year day and the celebration of the festival is known as Guo Nian (过年) which literally means "over the year", kinda meaning "passing the year". Shou Ye was the act of the villagers staying up to guard as Nian only attacks at night. In the end Shou Sui became the act of staying up to ward of evil spirits etc, which probably leads to your parents having a longer life.
In any case, I have been doing it for many years and when I was really young, I could only last till 2am at the start. Slowly I was able to stay up longer till 7am. However I was down with Bronchitis 3 years ago and I didn't stay up at all. Ever since then age has started catching up and I wasn't able to last that long anymore. Still, this is a tradition I hope to keep as much as possible.
I couldn't search the origins properly but it seems that it used to be called Shou Ye 守夜 which literally means guarding the night. In the myths, there was a monster called Nian (年) (translated to "year" in Chinese) who disrupts the lives of many, attacking villages late at night. The people finally found a way to scare the monster by creating loud noises. So they set off firecrackers and made a lot of noise on one night and scared off Nian. That day became Chinese New Year day and the celebration of the festival is known as Guo Nian (过年) which literally means "over the year", kinda meaning "passing the year". Shou Ye was the act of the villagers staying up to guard as Nian only attacks at night. In the end Shou Sui became the act of staying up to ward of evil spirits etc, which probably leads to your parents having a longer life.
In any case, I have been doing it for many years and when I was really young, I could only last till 2am at the start. Slowly I was able to stay up longer till 7am. However I was down with Bronchitis 3 years ago and I didn't stay up at all. Ever since then age has started catching up and I wasn't able to last that long anymore. Still, this is a tradition I hope to keep as much as possible.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Brain Storm: When We Meet Again
I just came back from a friend's mum's funeral. I recall reading an old blog written some 7 years ago. This newly graduated guy (7 years ago) also just went to a funeral and his friend told him that as we get older, the only times we will get to meet up with our close friends of yesteryears is during weddings or funerals. And it held true to some degree for him.
For myself, I met many friends whom I have not met for many years at the funeral. It wasn't a pleasant setting to say the least and I wondered if it would be true that from now on, the only time I'll see my close friends from secondary school and my JC friends would be during weddings and funerals. Though most of us are still in the university, there are quite a few couples readying themselves for marriage already. I guess the next time I'll see my friends again would be during those friends' wedding. Such is life.
Last year was a bad year. Many people passed away in 2011. I really hope that less people would pass away this year.
To my friend's mum, rest in peace.
For myself, I met many friends whom I have not met for many years at the funeral. It wasn't a pleasant setting to say the least and I wondered if it would be true that from now on, the only time I'll see my close friends from secondary school and my JC friends would be during weddings and funerals. Though most of us are still in the university, there are quite a few couples readying themselves for marriage already. I guess the next time I'll see my friends again would be during those friends' wedding. Such is life.
Last year was a bad year. Many people passed away in 2011. I really hope that less people would pass away this year.
To my friend's mum, rest in peace.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Event: Significant Events of 2011
January
4 - 6 CAC Retreat at NSRCC
10 Had my first Production Meeting for CAC+US Concert 2011
14 First health screening by NUS which took 3 tubes of my blood to test for cancer and everything. Found out that my health level is not at normal level, but in fact at optimal level (really healthy)
28 Attended Angklung's first concert Cinderella: Shake The World
February
16 Missed my first lab in university because I forgot about it
19 Failed my first IPPT
21 - 22 CAC+US Concert rehearsal and actual. Most hectic period in my life
25 Student Appreciation Dinner. Almost got sabo-ed up to sing school song
March
2 - 4 Cultural Week 2011. Tank-ed all the shit caused by a certain person. Guarded the bazaar overnight on the last day with my IT Director and Welfare Director
9 EE1003 mid terms. First test in university which I actually wrote down "if you don't understand what I'm writing, don't worry, I also don't understand". Epic
12 - 13 NUS Open House. Spoke to NUS President for the first time
16 Attended NUS Safety and Crisis Management Workshop. Certified to be safety officer for all NUS events
20 Attended Voices Emerge 11 at St James
29 Attended first lecture of the month
Whole of March trying to clear up a big mess created by someone
Sometime in March, attended a full meeting with CAC Camp Committee without them realising that it was my birthday
April
1 Attended GTV #9
3 Attended NTU Impresario Finals
5 Attended Kent Ridge Ministerial Forum 2011, GOH PM Lee Hsien Loong
May
7 Voted for the first time, the hype is overrated
15 Leonard back for the first time. Had beer gathering but obvious I didn't drink
21 Started my first RT at Khatib Camp
26 Attended Resonance The Inside Edition Concert 2011. Most expensive concert ever but so worth it
June
5 Went for Camp Comm Dry Run for CAC Social Camp
6 Crashed Engin Camp for a while with Eunice
9 - 12 Worked at PC Show for the first time at Harvey Norman ASUS booth. Appointed Sector Leader and held highest number of sales
13 - 15 Went for Camp Dry Run for CAC Social Camp
18 Had first Xinmin Alumni BBQ. Attendance was pathetic
July
2 Finally passed RT-IPPT after collapsing twice during 2.4km run
4 - 7 CAC Social Camp 2011. We had a great time!
9 Felicia's 21st birthday party
11 - 15 First reservist with my unit
16 Had a hearty dinner at Medz with my platoon
21-22 25-26 Matric Fair
25 Durian buffet with the platoon
August
31 - 4 Engin Oweek. Councillor of Turks OG. They think of me as the fierce guy
1 Freshmen Inauguration Ceremony. Sang the school song twice on stage
9 Attended Rag Day with Turks
10 Treated by Danny at Carousel for celebration that he became a scholar
18 Sent Leonard off at the airport
27 CAC Elections and Presidential Voting Day
September
7 Birthday surprise at Technoedge for Jia Jian
8 Queued up at IT Show for HP Touchpad since 8am with Hai. Didn't get it
9 CAC AGM, finally stepped down
10 Attended Zhi Wei's 21st birthday party
16 Went for Supernova Rock Concert at Utown
17 Attended NUSSU's elections
October
7 Attended NUSSU's Appreciation Dinner
12 Attended Student Leader's Appreciation Lunch
20 Had a EE gathering at Wala Wala, decided that it'll be an annual thing
November
Prep for finals
December
6 - 9 Went on a trip to Penang with CS. It was rejuvenating and fun!
25 Annual gathering with Xinmin gang on Christmas
27 Sent Edwin off
4 - 6 CAC Retreat at NSRCC
10 Had my first Production Meeting for CAC+US Concert 2011
14 First health screening by NUS which took 3 tubes of my blood to test for cancer and everything. Found out that my health level is not at normal level, but in fact at optimal level (really healthy)
28 Attended Angklung's first concert Cinderella: Shake The World
February
16 Missed my first lab in university because I forgot about it
19 Failed my first IPPT
21 - 22 CAC+US Concert rehearsal and actual. Most hectic period in my life
25 Student Appreciation Dinner. Almost got sabo-ed up to sing school song
March
2 - 4 Cultural Week 2011. Tank-ed all the shit caused by a certain person. Guarded the bazaar overnight on the last day with my IT Director and Welfare Director
9 EE1003 mid terms. First test in university which I actually wrote down "if you don't understand what I'm writing, don't worry, I also don't understand". Epic
12 - 13 NUS Open House. Spoke to NUS President for the first time
16 Attended NUS Safety and Crisis Management Workshop. Certified to be safety officer for all NUS events
20 Attended Voices Emerge 11 at St James
29 Attended first lecture of the month
Whole of March trying to clear up a big mess created by someone
Sometime in March, attended a full meeting with CAC Camp Committee without them realising that it was my birthday
April
1 Attended GTV #9
3 Attended NTU Impresario Finals
5 Attended Kent Ridge Ministerial Forum 2011, GOH PM Lee Hsien Loong
May
7 Voted for the first time, the hype is overrated
15 Leonard back for the first time. Had beer gathering but obvious I didn't drink
21 Started my first RT at Khatib Camp
26 Attended Resonance The Inside Edition Concert 2011. Most expensive concert ever but so worth it
June
5 Went for Camp Comm Dry Run for CAC Social Camp
6 Crashed Engin Camp for a while with Eunice
9 - 12 Worked at PC Show for the first time at Harvey Norman ASUS booth. Appointed Sector Leader and held highest number of sales
13 - 15 Went for Camp Dry Run for CAC Social Camp
18 Had first Xinmin Alumni BBQ. Attendance was pathetic
July
2 Finally passed RT-IPPT after collapsing twice during 2.4km run
4 - 7 CAC Social Camp 2011. We had a great time!
9 Felicia's 21st birthday party
11 - 15 First reservist with my unit
16 Had a hearty dinner at Medz with my platoon
21-22 25-26 Matric Fair
25 Durian buffet with the platoon
August
31 - 4 Engin Oweek. Councillor of Turks OG. They think of me as the fierce guy
1 Freshmen Inauguration Ceremony. Sang the school song twice on stage
9 Attended Rag Day with Turks
10 Treated by Danny at Carousel for celebration that he became a scholar
18 Sent Leonard off at the airport
27 CAC Elections and Presidential Voting Day
September
7 Birthday surprise at Technoedge for Jia Jian
8 Queued up at IT Show for HP Touchpad since 8am with Hai. Didn't get it
9 CAC AGM, finally stepped down
10 Attended Zhi Wei's 21st birthday party
16 Went for Supernova Rock Concert at Utown
17 Attended NUSSU's elections
October
7 Attended NUSSU's Appreciation Dinner
12 Attended Student Leader's Appreciation Lunch
20 Had a EE gathering at Wala Wala, decided that it'll be an annual thing
November
Prep for finals
December
6 - 9 Went on a trip to Penang with CS. It was rejuvenating and fun!
25 Annual gathering with Xinmin gang on Christmas
27 Sent Edwin off
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Event: The Year of Realisation and Growth
Every year I type out my resolutions before the year ends or when the year just started. This year I started writing this 3 days befre the year ended. I think a lot really happened this year. I can safely say that this is the toughest year I ever had in my entire life. People came and left my life. Things which I never thought will happen to me happened. And on top of all these external factors which I can't control, I realise much of my drama life this year occured because of my own incompetence and weakness. Before a relook on 2011, I will look at my resolutions for 2011 as usual.
My resolution for 2011:
1) Study harder. I need to regain back the discipline which I have in JC.
Fail. Mega fail. I didn't even get back 1/4 of my discipline. Someone please spank me.
2) Regain back my leadership capabilities and style. I haven’t gotten back fully into momentum. After seeing how the other leaders lead their people with their own characteristics, I need to go back into my swing as well. More charisma which I am lacking will be a nice touch as well.
I think I got into my own style after a while though there's muh to improve. It's a pity that I got jaded pretty early in the year. Some people did mention about my charisma though. I'll just pretend that they were sincere about it.
3) Less procrastination. There were things which I was supposed to do in 2010 which I still have not done. Sorry just won’t cut it and I need to learn to shake off the lazy feeling.
The busy year made this worse. Enough said. I can't even remember what I was supposed to do.
4) Think of what I’d regret. I managed to make 2010 a better one than I’d expected. But there were a few decisions which were still not promptly and sensibly made. My term of office will end sooner than I think and I will really have to consider carefully what I have, what I lack, what I want and what I need before deciding where to head to next. I also think that I am lacking quite a bit of life now. This is a good time to think about what I really want in life. Do I just want a nicer resume? Do I really need to take up all these commitments? Where will they get me and it is that necessary?
I don't think my brain was working more than half the time this year.
5) Stay fit. After talking to many seniors, they seem to be able to handle studying and keeping fit at the same time. Somehow I just feel exhausted all the time. I guess this has to do with learning to adapt to my new university life and to stop procrastinating.
I was lied to. There were all unfit. And I fell to the dark side as well. I failed my IPPT but eventually passed it on the third 8th RT session after collapsing 2 times during 2.4km run. It was ultra pathetic. Further, I missed silver by 5 seconds. Darn.
6) Spend less money on useless things. I think my personality as a spendthrift has declined a lot, but it’s still not enough. I can do better and really need to keep track of my spending I suppose.
This spendthrift side of me became better but my income also dropped a lot because of the lack of tuitions I have. In fact I thrived on only 1 tuition for 3/4 of the year before finally having another one. Even then my income was too low. Subsequently my spending habits didn't decrease proportionately.
7) Treasure my time with my loved ones. Spend more time with them.
I think I did less of that due to my crazy commitments.
8 ) Learn to be more punctual. I think I am generally quite punctual for meetings but this month I was late for almost every single one of them. Time to manage my timing properly.
A leopard can't change his spots. But at least the lateness decreased.
9) Rest more. Sleep when I’m supposed to sleep.
This didn't happen at all.
2011 was the worst year I ever had in my entire life. Many things happened. Many things which I don't want to remember. A few important people entered my life. A few left. The entire year was a flash. It was a blur. Or maybe it's just me trying to forget what happened.
The first half of the year was rather peaceful. My results was not good but nothing much happened. It was blissful but I was greedy. I was dissatisfied. Maybe it would have turned out this way anyhow. A flood of events just kept coming and I couldn't handled them wave after wave. I realised a lot of things. I realised that other people surrounding you can have more impact on you than you think. I realised that ultimately the person who controls your own life is yourself. But most of all I realised that all these are just petty talk. Over the years I have given much life advice to other people. I was told I sounded experienced and wise. But when you fall yourself, it's different. It's easier said than done. I should have walked away but I didn't. And I knew I should have.
I also learnt that everyone is out there to get me. Or at least that's the mentality I should have. Everyone is trying to screw me over. And there I am, an open book, allowing people to exploit me, allowing myself to commit when I shouldn't, allowing myself to be blinded. So there I have learnt. Nobody is nice. Everyone is selfish. So I should learn to close myself up. I thought I was good at that but apparently I wasn't. Nobody was going to teach me all these. But now life has, and now I know.
I think I understood myself better. Despite me knowing that I have been screwed over, deep inside I still categorise those screw-ers as people who are important to me. So I have to cut it off right from the beginning the next time. Scared and scarred, that's about enough deterrence I hope, that I will be more vigilant.
"Chances" are another type of player. When I was too afraid to lose my chance, I overdid things. When I wanted to take it slow, the chances evade me. Then I keep thinking of how I regret losing something or something because of "wrong timings". I never believed in "if it is meant to be, it will be". I believe in "if it is meant to be, you still need to work for it." So now I don't know what to believe in.
I also made a few pretty impactful decisions and opened up to my close friends. I'm not sure if it was a wise decision yet but I suppose at least it has not backfired so far.
I don't think I have many resolutions for 2012 which are different.
1) Keep fit and pass my IPPT within the first holidays.
2) Study way harder.
3) Hone my focus. This includes not setting expectations on things which I shouldn't and setting expectations on things I should. Walking away when I'm supposed to, sleeping when I should be.
4) Manage my money better.
5) Learn some new skills, java would be good.
I'm exhausted. I used to be confident. I thought I lost it. But I think it's still there, and because of this blinded confidence, I thrust myself into something which I think I knew better when I don't. I'll walk slower this year. But I'll be steady. I find myself back. I won't let my friends miss the old me too much.
2012 will be a better year, because nothing can be worse than 2011. I'll survive, you watch.
My resolution for 2011:
1) Study harder. I need to regain back the discipline which I have in JC.
Fail. Mega fail. I didn't even get back 1/4 of my discipline. Someone please spank me.
2) Regain back my leadership capabilities and style. I haven’t gotten back fully into momentum. After seeing how the other leaders lead their people with their own characteristics, I need to go back into my swing as well. More charisma which I am lacking will be a nice touch as well.
I think I got into my own style after a while though there's muh to improve. It's a pity that I got jaded pretty early in the year. Some people did mention about my charisma though. I'll just pretend that they were sincere about it.
3) Less procrastination. There were things which I was supposed to do in 2010 which I still have not done. Sorry just won’t cut it and I need to learn to shake off the lazy feeling.
The busy year made this worse. Enough said. I can't even remember what I was supposed to do.
4) Think of what I’d regret. I managed to make 2010 a better one than I’d expected. But there were a few decisions which were still not promptly and sensibly made. My term of office will end sooner than I think and I will really have to consider carefully what I have, what I lack, what I want and what I need before deciding where to head to next. I also think that I am lacking quite a bit of life now. This is a good time to think about what I really want in life. Do I just want a nicer resume? Do I really need to take up all these commitments? Where will they get me and it is that necessary?
I don't think my brain was working more than half the time this year.
5) Stay fit. After talking to many seniors, they seem to be able to handle studying and keeping fit at the same time. Somehow I just feel exhausted all the time. I guess this has to do with learning to adapt to my new university life and to stop procrastinating.
I was lied to. There were all unfit. And I fell to the dark side as well. I failed my IPPT but eventually passed it on the third 8th RT session after collapsing 2 times during 2.4km run. It was ultra pathetic. Further, I missed silver by 5 seconds. Darn.
6) Spend less money on useless things. I think my personality as a spendthrift has declined a lot, but it’s still not enough. I can do better and really need to keep track of my spending I suppose.
This spendthrift side of me became better but my income also dropped a lot because of the lack of tuitions I have. In fact I thrived on only 1 tuition for 3/4 of the year before finally having another one. Even then my income was too low. Subsequently my spending habits didn't decrease proportionately.
7) Treasure my time with my loved ones. Spend more time with them.
I think I did less of that due to my crazy commitments.
8 ) Learn to be more punctual. I think I am generally quite punctual for meetings but this month I was late for almost every single one of them. Time to manage my timing properly.
A leopard can't change his spots. But at least the lateness decreased.
9) Rest more. Sleep when I’m supposed to sleep.
This didn't happen at all.
2011 was the worst year I ever had in my entire life. Many things happened. Many things which I don't want to remember. A few important people entered my life. A few left. The entire year was a flash. It was a blur. Or maybe it's just me trying to forget what happened.
The first half of the year was rather peaceful. My results was not good but nothing much happened. It was blissful but I was greedy. I was dissatisfied. Maybe it would have turned out this way anyhow. A flood of events just kept coming and I couldn't handled them wave after wave. I realised a lot of things. I realised that other people surrounding you can have more impact on you than you think. I realised that ultimately the person who controls your own life is yourself. But most of all I realised that all these are just petty talk. Over the years I have given much life advice to other people. I was told I sounded experienced and wise. But when you fall yourself, it's different. It's easier said than done. I should have walked away but I didn't. And I knew I should have.
I also learnt that everyone is out there to get me. Or at least that's the mentality I should have. Everyone is trying to screw me over. And there I am, an open book, allowing people to exploit me, allowing myself to commit when I shouldn't, allowing myself to be blinded. So there I have learnt. Nobody is nice. Everyone is selfish. So I should learn to close myself up. I thought I was good at that but apparently I wasn't. Nobody was going to teach me all these. But now life has, and now I know.
I think I understood myself better. Despite me knowing that I have been screwed over, deep inside I still categorise those screw-ers as people who are important to me. So I have to cut it off right from the beginning the next time. Scared and scarred, that's about enough deterrence I hope, that I will be more vigilant.
"Chances" are another type of player. When I was too afraid to lose my chance, I overdid things. When I wanted to take it slow, the chances evade me. Then I keep thinking of how I regret losing something or something because of "wrong timings". I never believed in "if it is meant to be, it will be". I believe in "if it is meant to be, you still need to work for it." So now I don't know what to believe in.
I also made a few pretty impactful decisions and opened up to my close friends. I'm not sure if it was a wise decision yet but I suppose at least it has not backfired so far.
I don't think I have many resolutions for 2012 which are different.
1) Keep fit and pass my IPPT within the first holidays.
2) Study way harder.
3) Hone my focus. This includes not setting expectations on things which I shouldn't and setting expectations on things I should. Walking away when I'm supposed to, sleeping when I should be.
4) Manage my money better.
5) Learn some new skills, java would be good.
I'm exhausted. I used to be confident. I thought I lost it. But I think it's still there, and because of this blinded confidence, I thrust myself into something which I think I knew better when I don't. I'll walk slower this year. But I'll be steady. I find myself back. I won't let my friends miss the old me too much.
2012 will be a better year, because nothing can be worse than 2011. I'll survive, you watch.
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