Today when I went to buy books with Nard in COOP, the counter guy first asked if we were from NUS. On knowing that Nard isn't from NUS, he asked if we were brothers cause we look alike (like O_o right?). Then I asked them "so who is the older brother?" and they said, me. Mind you Nard is way taller than me. It reminds me that although my real brother (blood related) is way bigger size than me too, many people also say I'm the older one.
I like to be recognised as the older person. I take it as a sign of higher maturity. Yes, I know it doesn't necessarily mean that way. I also do not take offense that it means I look old. Not that I care anyway. In many situations, I tend to be the one who takes care of others. People will come to me for advice, for perspectives. While maturity alone doesn't justify me being Aunt Agony, I think it makes up a big part of it. I don't really think of myself as someone who seems approachable. Thus there must be some other reasons why people ask me. There's not many, but hey, it's not bad considering my gangster face and cocky attitude.
Still, recently I guess I felt a bit jaded. I felt happy during those times when I could be like a kid. I don't mean those times when I play pretending and make a fool out of myself. I mean those times when I can act like I'm younger because I really am younger. I met up with this senior recently and when he treated me like a kid, patted on my head, I was all like "wow, when was the last time someone did that to me?" Did I feel good because I haven't felt top-down love (in terms of age and seniority) in a long time? Was it because I lacked attention (not the normal attention but that of my real psychological needs) for so long? I'm not too sure. When I hang out with my Council friends, I felt happier too these few days. I am the youngest (and the only one from my batch) member in the Council and I feel unrestricted when I'm with them. I can ask them for advice, I totally don't need to act like I'm strong and I don't have to show concern for them out of the way. Because they know better. And they care.
When was the last time a junior asked me "what's wrong" or "tell me your problems" and I felt at ease talking to them about it?
Never.
It's not that I have too much pride or ego to show my weakness to them. It's just that when I talk to older (or rather more matured people), I feel like they know, they really understand and they can help. Perhaps it's the urge to want to hide under a guardian's wing too, after giving away all my care and concern.
It's like an age thing. Nobody forces it on you, but when you feel older, you feel responsible. I feel that way all the time, but not that I don't like it. All in all, I think I still like to be treated like a mature, older adult. I like to be able to take care of people. But once in a while, it's great to be treated like a kid, to be able to act like a kid, and not having to go out of my way to protect anyone.
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