Brain Storm: Things I Should Have Known At 20

If there's one thing I would tell myself when I was younger, it would be "self righteous-ness gets you nowhere". That got me so uptight and socially inadequate.

 

http://theburiedlife.tumblr.com/post/24011465597/20-things-i-should-have-known-at-20

Brain Storm: The One Left Behind

Spoiler ahead for the short film Time.

So I went for a screening of a few films with the theme "The One Left Behind". You can probably guess what is it about. I didn't really appreciate half of it. But one of it was quite sad.

The film opens with an ex couple sitting facing each other. The guy tries to show concern for the girl. The girl replies to his questions by writing on a piece of paper, as if she can't speak.

The guy ask her how is she. She did not reply to the question, instead she ask him why did he go and why did he not say a thing when he left. The guy replied that he couldn't.

The film switches to the girl's point of view, looking at the corner of the table. The chair of the guy is empty with only his shirt on it.

Back to frontal view, the girl continues to write emotional stuff. She ask if he would stay there for her. He said he doesn't know, only she would know. He promised to be there for as long as he can, but yet says he cannot promise.

She writes if she made him happy. Again he said he doesn't know, only she would know.

The film switches to the girl's point of view. The chair is empty again. Then she stands up, and starts speaking out and apologising that she didn't mean to blame him.

 

I only guessed what really happened at the end when she started speaking out. The subtle hints that the script writer used was quite good. You probably can guess what happened. The guy has died, without saying good bye. From the start, the girl was writing a letter to him because he wasn't there to listen. He said he doesn't know if she made him happy because he's not there to tell her anymore, so she has to believe whatever she thinks is the case, whether she did or she did not.

In many stages of our lives, we live people behind. No matter what your excuse is, when you move on to the next segment of your life, someone is bound to be left behind. Naturally a more powerful occurrence is when you leave someone dear to you, or vice versa.

I guess a lot of times, there are things we take for granted when we're attached to someone, knowledge that we assume to be the truth. When the detachment happens, you wonder things like why did it have to end up like that, what went wrong, and if the whole relationship meant something at all. Even if the detachment did not come from death, it is unlikely that you'll be able to get the answer anyway. Even if you did get an answer, it's probably just a patronizing one.

"Did I make you happy?" No answer, only what you believe it to be.

But I hope I did.

Brain Storm: Reflection Coefficients

2011 was the worst year I ever had. 2012 wasn't easy too. In fact I think it was way worse. But somehow it didn't feel as bad, I think I'm really worn down already. At the tender age of 23? I think I'm still too young to be so negative. But there you have it. Desensitization is bound to happen if events come one after another. Perhaps it's because I have learnt nothing. In the end the year of 2012 was a lousy one cause all I faced was false accusations one after another. At the end of the way I don't even know if it's because I didn't put in enough effort, I was oblivious to the situations, or I simply weren't doing it right. I had enough of the fate shit so well it's time to blame someone. Me or someone else I don't know but enough of the destiny shit. I got to know some new friends but I'm glad I kept them as friends and nothing more. Enough complications with my life right now.

I think from now on resolutions shouldn't be "goals". It's just not gonna work. Instead, resolutions should function like motivations which serve to make you a happier person. It can be long term or short term. If I want to be a better person, I would be able to do that if I'm happier. So first, let's make myself happy and maybe healthier first.

Okay here's the review of the past year's resolutions.

1) Keep fit and pass my IPPT within the first holidays.

Failed and need to do RT by march. Sigh.

2) Study way harder.

Studies have stablized. Not good, but at least I'm not sinking anymore.

3) Hone my focus. This includes not setting expec­ta­tions on things which I shouldn't and setting expec­ta­tions on things I should. Walking away when I’m supposed to, sleeping when I should be.

I think I totally didn't keep this in mind the entire year. I was just cemented into the ground and stuck on the same page not even trying to escape.

4) Man­age my money better.

Well I think in this aspect I did far better this year despite the fact that I had very little tuition and income. Or maybe it's because someone else was keeping me afloat for at least the first half of the year. Maybe.

5) Learn some new skills, java would be good.

Well I didn't learn any skills. Maybe I know a bit more about C but that's it.

 

Right now I'm still dealing with all the problems that rolled over from 2011. Actually they're all over already. But I'm choosing to cling on like the idiot that my evil twin says I am. But hey a boring life is a not fun either. Not that it's fun now. Most of 2012 was a stalemate anyway. There wasn't any game to play except to make myself feel pitied yet dignified. On the bright side, it's not affecting me so much now. For the first time in my university life, I actually understood what I was reading. I think I got used to it already. But I suppose there's enough of a stalemate so far. In 2013, there should be some progress of some form. Maybe not in my emotional life, but it's time to pick up internship and look at how I'm gonna live in the future. It won't be long before I graduate. Let's get on it.

 

For 2013, some goals and resolutions would be,

1) Keeping my health up.

More fruits, healthier meals, more exercises. I think my waist is finally not holding up anymore. Maybe 24 years old would be the gone case year for me. Better watch it. Also thinking of taking up Mix Martial Arts but that's more for me to bash people up. We'll see about that.

2) Pick up a new skill

Seriously, still java. I better start on it.

3) Blog more. Look into freelance writing.

My alternate blog has been under going preparations since forever. Maybe I can earn some income with this.

4) Learn to heck care and accept my situation

I think a lot of times it's less painful to be hopeful and just accept what is happening. Second guessing what is possibly happening is the worst route to go. Assume the worst, shut off the world.

5) Shun unappreciative people

Like people who forget about the big things I do for them. Shall try to be as not petty as possible. But honestly this lack of appreciation is haunting me with angst and emo-ness.

6) Learn to hate

Takes time but with enough darkness I think I can hone love into hate. Let's try.

7) Not be a hypocrite

I need to chant this mantra from now on. I hate liars, so I shall not lie. I hate people who don't appreciate me, so I shall show my appreciation. I hate emotional deceiving people so I shall try not to lead people on.

8) Keep others out of my emotional life until further notice.

Sorry sweethearts, I'll take a year to recuperate. I want to deal with what are already in my hands.

 

I think I should print this out and paste this on my desk.

Brain Storm: The Big Picture

Brain Storm: Friends and Life

A while ago I had a chat with a friend regarding the meaning of life. He lamented how life feels empty because he doesn't really know who is still in his life. There's no permanent residents in his life, people come and go, being single and all. The times he meet up with his close friends back in secondary school is few as well. As do I.

I think it's pretty safe for me to say that I have very close friends from secondary school. I have a set of friends whom I make an effort to meet up once in a while. It's true we don't meet as often as close friends would. We all get really caught up in our own lives and we're no longer each others' priority. Admittedly, we even let each other slip out of our minds sometimes. But does it really matter? I think at the end of the day, true friends are those who don't forget about each other and will always be there when I need them. That'll be good enough. I know that when I really need help, I can count on them. And they know it too. When we can help it, we will make an effort to meet up. Sure some of my friends see me about twice a year. But we have already made it a ritual to meet up as soon as one party is free. And that party will haunt the other until he/she agrees to meet up. Such is my life, and I'm satisfied with it.

I think no matter what there will be definitely be people in your life. They may not be as close to you compared to your previous friends, but they occupy most of your time at present. So you can't really say there is no one in your life. An empty shell is what you make of it. Those people you are close to now may go away eventually. But this is precisely the time to try and make them stay, vice versa isn't it? My secondary school friends didn't appear to be permanent residents of my life when I was in secondary school. Maybe I'm only spending time with my university friends because I have no choice since I am in university now. Maybe not. Time will tell.

As we proceed to the next stages of our life, the people in our lives will change. Some will go and some will stay. But I won't be dejected. Just because the previous group of friends didn't work out as permanent residents doesn't mean the next set will be the same. Everyone is different. Superficiality is as far as you want it to be. Of course it depends on the other side too. But your attitude will affect the others, and an effort is neede. And I think everyone need to keep in mind that a few good friends is good enough. Why do you need so many good friends for? For your facebook collection?

Friends are who we can count on in our lives. I think life partners and friends come by a different means. Your lover loves you for who you are, thinks your flaws are your strengths and an overlook your problems. For me, I accept my friends for who they are, but if they have problems, I will condemn it, though I'll still be there for them. At the end of our lives, friends will be our only prized possessions. And only then you can truly see how many lives you have touched during your time. And whether they take up a 1 quarter of your time yearly in your life or merely 1 or 2 days, I still consider them part of my life, never gone.

Brain Storm: Settling

They say "sometimes in a world of a million, all you need is one". But there are 6 billion people in this world. How would you know who is "the one"?

When I was confiding my problems to one of my friends, we came across the topic of settling down. He said that many of his friends had already gotten married and many times it is because those people have felt age catching up and decided to choose the next easiest prey to marry. This concept of settling, in my friend's term, is the act of "making do with something less than you deserve". And many times we argued and discussed the idea of settling and settling down.

He never imagined himself to settle for less in his life. After all, why would you shortchange yourself? I guess there are many schools of thought. Aside from shortchanging, there's also a concern of not knowing until you try, and also if the person is "the one". I'm of course talking about the state of mind one should have when dating or when marrying. Commitment is not just spelled with time and effort, but also sacrifice. I think it's quite possible for one to fall for more than one person. And perhaps there is indeed someone who is perfectly meant for you. But many times a person would not be able to tell if the attached is the one and only. When someone better comes along, hearts are wavered and the main question is, "do I settle?" Would you settle if you can't tell if your partner is the one? Would you settle if you would have never known otherwise how it would have turned out?

Whether you settle or not, you have to be able to convince yourself. How many people can mention true love as the reason to stay? How convincing would that be if someone really good comes along?

But there is no conclusion to the discussion I had with my friend. In the end, time waits for no man. Would you risk the possibility of not ever finding "the one"? Would you break a million hearts just to find one meant for you? Would you not settle for less because you think too highly of yourself? Or is love so blinding that it depends on the intensity?

So we concluded the infinite possibilities.
Perhaps time is of essence, so we should have to eventually settle.
Perhaps there is no right answer, and you would only find out when it happens to you.
Perhaps one fine day, you will realise that a conviction has to be made, not out of pure true love, but out of consideration for both of you.
Perhaps one fine day, you will realise that it's never just about yourself.
Perhaps one fine day, you will realise that you are old enough and wasted enough time.
Perhaps one fine day, you will realise that peaceful bliss is better than a torrent of emotions.

And maybe some people are lucky. And maybe some people are totally unlucky. And maybe one day you'll settle for me.

Brain Storm: An Open Birthday

107 facebook posts

5 tweets

10 whatsapp messages

3 SMSes

A total of 125 well wishes.

[warning, long and whiny post possibly without much elaboration and overly judgemental, but it'll be even longer if I pen out all my thoughts in details]

I suppose any social person would find that number of birthday well wishes to be puny. But truth be told, this was an overwhelming number to me already as I have never gotten anything more than total number of fingers I have on my hands. If you read my post last year, you would know that my birthday is a date shrouded in mystery. I do not openly publicise my birthday, you will not find any trace of the date on the internet and I dislike telling people my birthday even when they ask, expecting them to find out through some magical way. Yes I do know that 10 is a pathetic number even if my birthday is not on a public domain. While I have no excuses for myself (not a popular or well liked guy, or someone with many friends), but let's face it, many people have become over reliant on social networks to remind themselves of others' birthday. I shall not dwell on this since I talked about it last year.

This time round, I'd rather talk about how I felt throughout the 24 hours. For the first time in my life, I posted my birthday on Facebook. To me, it was a social experiment. Pardon my "excitement" but this is the first time in my life where I actually expected well wishings. In the past, my tardy male friends would either forget or whatnot. So the people who do wish me are generally the same people but it fluctuates a bit. I have long heard rumours of well wishes arising from the "I see the notification on fb so I just wish lor" syndrome and I was expecting it to happen to me.

At 12am, it started. Thankfully the first well wishing was a text not Facebook wall post (else it would be really pathetic). I suppose there will definitely be people who sees it and goes "er, I don't think I know him well enough to care" and yes I applaud you for your attitude. That's how I am too. I don't want to be someone who gave a shit about you on only one day a year.

I managed to spend my day with whom I wanted to, so it was good enough for me (I remember I spent it in a meeting last year and nobody realised it was my birthday until 12am that day). Throughout the day, I kept my Facebook mobile notification on and checked who wished me every now and then. It was amazing to see people whom I didn't even know how they got on my Facebook wishing me happy birthday.

And frankly, it was rather empty too. Granted, most people has a Facebook friend list choked full of acquaintances. But how many of those whom you think would have cared, cared, and how many of those acquaintances cared? It is understandable for many of our real friends to miss our birthdays. I speak not just for myself. I have seen close friends birthday well wishing count go up to 200, out of the 700 - 1000 friends they have. I have also read other people who actually counted their own Facebook well wishings and posted it up. Those also usually go up to about 20% of their total Facebook friends. Mine happened to be nearly 20%. Does everyone only has 20% of their Facebook friends as real friends?

Let's take my case as reference. Out of all my Facebook friends, a small 10% are close to me, a rough 40% are considered friends, some 30% acquaintances whom I don't care about, and the remaining 20% are people who I actually don't know personally, including people whom I don't even remember at all. I used to have strict control on who I add on my Facebook, but I stopped that policy while I was acquiring contacts as the chairperson of my club last year. How many people would believe that the 20% of my Facebook friends who wished me on my wall are from the 50% of my closer friends? I would say that only about 10% comes from that category. How about the other half?

It's true that I have given nonchalant birthday well wishings before. But thinking back, on your birthday, how many birthday well wishings actually made you feel HAPPY when you saw it? I didn't. I wasn't happy at all. I see person A who was a freshman in a camp I organised last year wish me and I wasn't glad to see it. I'm not ungrateful though. I am thankful that I am remembered, though it was more likely that it was a moment of convenience. I am at least thankful that I was given a fuck. I mean, he or she could have easily went "who cares?". What really appalled me was on this day, there were actually people who posted stuff without thinking. There's actually this guy who typed "happy birthday.." and I have absolutely no idea where the hell he came from. If you want to be polite, you should at least TRY to be sincere. How sincere it that dude's birthday well wishing? The fact that I know 50% of the people who posted on my wall are acting sincere is disturbing. The fact that there are at least some people out there who don't even pretend to be sincere is beyond disturbing. The idea creeps me out.

How can anyone take this? I can't. I rather have 10 well wishings coming from people whom I know actually cared to remember than to have hordes of pretentious well wishings. It is unsettling. It made me sick throughout the day. I do know that without a reminder somewhere (ideally Facebook), most of our close friends will not remember my birthday. But that's fine. I don't think it's that important a day to warrant some memory nerves on so many people's brains. I won't pretend that I don't care about my birthday since I was obviously upset by this matter (or maybe just by the fact of the insincerity around). The secrecy of my birthday used to be caused my insecurity about "people know my birthday but they didn't care". I used to think that if they don't know and they forgot, that's less hurtful than if they know (through Facebook) and they still forgot.

Am I just sour about my negative popularity? Maybe. But no, I rather keep my birthday a secret, no thank you. I'd rather count my blessings on my fingers.

生活中太多的进退

生活有一百种 - 卢广仲。快二十三的我，生命里好像突然好多好多风波。源源不断，一个接着一个。

有人说，有什么事就问文钦吧。友人问他，'怎么讲?为何问文钦?'。 他说，不知道，问他就对了，文钦什么都懂。

可是我说，不，我不懂。我多希望我懂。在似乎坚强的外则里是懦弱，是疑惑。也可能是心僵硬了。再痛也只是痛。 但人终究是人。你一定看见了，我有的是人的心。那心就在你掌握之中。可能你觉得好玩。可能所有的人都觉得好玩。

我的邪恶守护天使对我说，你人太好了，你用人不值得那对待的态度来对待他们，然后你就一直输着。

可是我说，人生没这么容易。不用拼命的东西怎么会值得，怎么会珍惜?

他说，你看，那观念就是正在毁了你的态度。你有这么伟大么?

我想，对我来说，只要有美好回忆，那就够了。我有我的问题，你有你的顾虑。我不想，也不能要你任何的牺牲。这样很伟大吗? 自己一个人又不会怎么样。在付出多一些也不会死。有时候会累，会躲在浴室，站在里头愣着，反问反问自己在搞什么，生活的人一百条路应该怎么走。没答案，每一次都没答案。流下光脱脱的身体，也不知是水，还是泪。但感觉不错。少了一道墙，多了一披被。洗澡变成我唯一的解脱。奇怪吗?

但再柔弱的身体也能穿上盔甲。不是假装，只是要坚强起来。因为不可能只有我的生活辛苦，有挫折。你一定也有。你一定也会懦弱，会疑惑。你一定也会不懂。不只是我而已。

每一个人都有过去，都会犯错。你，我，所做的，已经是过去。我说过我不会顾虑任何人的过去。那我应该放下你和我的过去，再来过。但，我过得去么? 我不知道。很多应该只有我会知道的事我都不知道。

你痛哭过么?痛哭，假笑，好像是两边的极端。但在长大的时候才学到笑着哭最痛。在忍住时忍不住。可是笑着哭又常常是不美好中的最美好。那，不是很好吗?

断线的风筝，起初会飞得远，然后就掉下来，等待人来发现，修补，再飞天。你说要收线，别让线断了，等下次飞天的机会。可我没听。哪怕只是短暂的飞翔，那也值得。就算你注定擦肩而过，只要你开心。伟大? 你错了。 我也开心啊。我哭了，但我也笑了。那就够了。终有一天，我会对你的骗局了解，自己的欺骗醒悟，再傻笑。

生活就像河水，有进无退。在时间的流行中，你能停顿么? 会有一天，一百条路我得选一条。可惜的是，在这歇脚亭，一百条路还是模糊。而你，还是在遥远的平行河道，没有接近的暗示。

再然，我只能往前走。再累，也要继续走下去。因为有人在等我。

Brain Storm: What Is Love

A friend said she's doing a little experiment and asking all her friends to post on her wall what we think love is. This is my answer.

Love is wanting the best for someone, wanting him/her to be happy, and be happy when that happens, holding on though it's hard on you, letting go when it's hard on him/her.

 

Humans are selfish creatures. We want the best for ourselves. When we fall in love, it makes us happy, naturally. And we want the happiness to ourselves, so we pursue the happiness, or the person who gives us happiness. That's what love is, or so it seems. At least that's what I have always told myself in the past.

But reality isn't as nice as it seems. Sometimes, you being happy doesn't mean the other party will be happy. Sometimes it's just the wrong timing, place, or whatever. And at some point in time, you may find that you aren't happy even if you're with that person. So does this change the meaning of love? Does this mean you do not love that person anymore? I wouldn't think so necessarily. When a relationship between 2 persons bring pain, it doesn't mean love is absent. Sometimes it just mean that you have to love each other in a different way.

So in the end, I decided that love simply means wanting that person to be happy, rather than yourself. Personally I don't think we are that noble of a creature. If love means giving without expecting anything in return, wouldn't you find many people standing stupidly by the ones they love forever even though the love is not reciprocated? Sure the love may stay, but you have to move on right?

But still, we are selfish. We do gain something even by letting go. If you know letting go will be the best for the other person, you will be happy yourself. If you know that making that person happy in any other way except being with him/her, you will be happy yourself.

 

So after a while, I decided not to be selfish in the "I just want it for myself" way anymore. Because it's better off that way. I won't hold on anymore. And in the end I hope you'll be happier. Really.

Brain Storm: Guarding The Age

Shou Sui (守岁) is something which I have been doing since I can remember, probably since kindergarten or something. It is to stay up when the clock strikes 12 midnight on Chinese New Year. It is believed, or so I have been told, that this extends your parents' life span.

I couldn't search the origins properly but it seems that it used to be called Shou Ye 守夜 which literally means guarding the night. In the myths, there was a monster called Nian (年) (translated to "year" in Chinese) who disrupts the lives of many, attacking villages late at night. The people finally found a way to scare the monster by creating loud noises. So they set off firecrackers and made a lot of noise on one night and scared off Nian. That day became Chinese New Year day and the celebration of the festival is known as Guo Nian (过年) which literally means "over the year", kinda meaning "passing the year". Shou Ye was the act of the villagers staying up to guard as Nian only attacks at night. In the end Shou Sui became the act of staying up to ward of evil spirits etc, which probably leads to your parents having a longer life.

In any case, I have been doing it for many years and when I was really young, I could only last till 2am at the start. Slowly I was able to stay up longer till 7am. However I was down with Bronchitis 3 years ago and I didn't stay up at all. Ever since then age has started catching up and I wasn't able to last that long anymore. Still, this is a tradition I hope to keep as much as possible.

Brain Storm: When We Meet Again

I just came back from a friend's mum's funeral. I recall reading an old blog written some 7 years ago. This newly graduated guy (7 years ago) also just went to a funeral and his friend told him that as we get older, the only times we will get to meet up with our close friends of yesteryears is during weddings or funerals. And it held true to some degree for him.

For myself, I met many friends whom I have not met for many years at the funeral. It wasn't a pleasant setting to say the least and I wondered if it would be true that from now on, the only time I'll see my close friends from secondary school and my JC friends would be during weddings and funerals. Though most of us are still in the university, there are quite a few couples readying themselves for marriage already. I guess the next time I'll see my friends again would be during those friends' wedding. Such is life.

Last year was a bad year. Many people passed away in 2011. I really hope that less people would pass away this year.

To my friend's mum, rest in peace.

Event: The Year of Realisation and Growth

Every year I type out my resolutions before the year ends or when the year just started. This year I started writing this 3 days befre the year ended. I think a lot really happened this year. I can safely say that this is the toughest year I ever had in my entire life. People came and left my life. Things which I never thought will happen to me happened. And on top of all these external factors which I can't control, I realise much of my drama life this year occured because of my own incompetence and weakness. Before a relook on 2011, I will look at my resolutions for 2011 as usual.

My res­o­lu­tion for 2011:

1) Study harder. I need to regain back the dis­ci­pline which I have in JC.

Fail. Mega fail. I didn't even get back 1/4 of my discipline. Someone please spank me.

2) Regain back my lead­er­ship capa­bil­i­ties and style. I haven’t got­ten back fully into momen­tum. After see­ing how the other lead­ers lead their peo­ple with their own char­ac­ter­is­tics, I need to go back into my swing as well. More charisma which I am lack­ing will be a nice touch as well.

I think I got into my own style after a while though there's muh to improve. It's a pity that I got jaded pretty early in the year. Some people did mention about my charisma though. I'll just pretend that they were sincere about it.

3) Less pro­cras­ti­na­tion. There were things which I was sup­posed to do in 2010 which I still have not done. Sorry just won’t cut it and I need to learn to shake off the lazy feeling.

The busy year made this worse. Enough said. I can't even remember what I was supposed to do.

4) Think of what I’d regret. I man­aged to make 2010 a bet­ter one than I’d expected. But there were a few deci­sions which were still not promptly and sen­si­bly made. My term of office will end sooner than I think and I will really have to con­sider care­fully what I have, what I lack, what I want and what I need before decid­ing where to head to next. I also think that I am lack­ing quite a bit of life now. This is a good time to think about what I really want in life. Do I just want a nicer resume? Do I really need to take up all these com­mit­ments? Where will they get me and it is that necessary?

I don't think my brain was working more than half the time this year.

5) Stay fit. After talk­ing to many seniors, they seem to be able to han­dle study­ing and keep­ing fit at the same time. Some­how I just feel exhausted all the time. I guess this has to do with learn­ing to adapt to my new uni­ver­sity life and to stop procrastinating.

I was lied to. There were all unfit. And I fell to the dark side as well. I failed my IPPT but eventually passed it on the third 8th RT session after collapsing 2 times during 2.4km run. It was ultra pathetic. Further, I missed silver by 5 seconds. Darn.

6) Spend less money on use­less things. I think my per­son­al­ity as a spend­thrift has declined a lot, but it’s still not enough. I can do bet­ter and really need to keep track of my spend­ing I suppose.

This spendthrift side of me became better but my income also dropped a lot because of the lack of tuitions I have. In fact I thrived on only 1 tuition for 3/4 of the year before finally having another one. Even then my income was too low. Subsequently my spending habits didn't decrease proportionately.

7) Trea­sure my time with my loved ones. Spend more time with them.

I think I did less of that due to my crazy commitments.

8 ) Learn to be more punc­tual. I think I am gen­er­ally quite punc­tual for meet­ings but this month I was late for almost every sin­gle one of them. Time to man­age my tim­ing properly.

A leopard can't change his spots. But at least the lateness decreased.

9) Rest more. Sleep when I’m sup­posed to sleep.

This didn't happen at all.

 

2011 was the worst year I ever had in my entire life. Many things happened. Many things which I don't want to remember. A few important people entered my life. A few left. The entire year was a flash. It was a blur. Or maybe it's just me trying to forget what happened.

The first half of the year was rather peaceful. My results was not good but nothing much happened. It was blissful but I was greedy. I was dissatisfied. Maybe it would have turned out this way anyhow. A flood of events just kept coming and I couldn't handled them wave after wave. I realised a lot of things. I realised that other people surrounding you can have more impact on you than you think. I realised that ultimately the person who controls your own life is yourself. But most of all I realised that all these are just petty talk. Over the years  I have given much life advice to other people. I was told I sounded experienced and wise. But when you fall yourself, it's different. It's easier said than done. I should have walked away but I didn't. And I knew I should have.

I also learnt that everyone is out there to get me. Or at least that's the mentality I should have. Everyone is trying to screw me over. And there I am, an open book, allowing people to exploit me, allowing myself to commit when I shouldn't, allowing myself to be blinded. So there I have learnt. Nobody is nice. Everyone is selfish. So I should learn to close myself up. I thought I was good at that but apparently I wasn't. Nobody was going to teach me all these. But now life has, and now I know.

I think I understood myself better. Despite me knowing that I have been screwed over, deep inside I still categorise those screw-ers as people who are important to me. So I have to cut it off right from the beginning the next time. Scared and scarred, that's about enough deterrence I hope, that I will be more vigilant.

"Chances" are another type of player. When I was too afraid to lose my chance, I overdid things. When I wanted to take it slow, the chances evade me. Then I keep thinking of how I regret losing something or something because of "wrong timings". I never believed in "if it is meant to be, it will be". I believe in "if it is meant to be, you still need to work for it." So now I don't know what to believe in.

I also made a few pretty impactful decisions and opened up to my close friends. I'm not sure if it was a wise decision yet but I suppose at least it has not backfired so far.

I don't think I have many resolutions for 2012 which are different.

1) Keep fit and pass my IPPT within the first holidays.

2) Study way harder.

3) Hone my focus. This includes not setting expectations on things which I shouldn't and setting expectations on things I should. Walking away when I'm supposed to, sleeping when I should be.

4) Manage my money better.

5) Learn some new skills, java would be good.

I'm exhausted. I used to be confident. I thought I lost it. But I think it's still there, and because of this blinded confidence, I thrust myself into something which I think I knew better when I don't. I'll walk slower this year. But I'll be steady. I find myself back. I won't let my friends miss the old me too much.

2012 will be a better year, because nothing can be worse than 2011. I'll survive, you watch.

Brain Storm: Regrets

I met a really good friend whom I haven't met for half a year lately and she mentioned about doing something crazy about her hair but she's afraid she'll regret it. I said she'll probably regret it more if she hadn't tried it in the future. She commented "ya people always say you'll regret something which you didn't do more than something you did. Why ah?" And I said,

If you tried something and regretted it, at least you knew the outcome. If you didn't try it at all, you wouldn't have known how it would turn out. And you can never turn back time to try it again.

She said that's true. But is it really? If you tried something, that also meant the other alternative, ie not doing it, was an attempt, it's also an outcome you wouldn't know. I told a friend this before, life is full of regrets, because you would never know how "otherwise" would have turned out.

Still I believe there are ways to lessen such negativity. Listening to your heart, then rationalising, bracing yourself, recalling your conviction. These help. Most of all, I believe in myself. That I will pull through. That I can make things right. That nothing is perfect. That I want to live my life the way I want it, not how society or anyone else wants me to.

Brain Storm: You Are The Apple Of My Eye

I just watched the Taiwanese movie "You Are The Apple of My Eye".

Frankly it didn't get in touch with me that much especially when it comes to the school years because my younger days were pretty boring. But it did give me some insights about the topic of love.

It's a really strange thing. Sometimes two persons can be so in love with each other. Sometimes you don't really need a reason. Even if both parties are really incompatible. Sometimes it can become too much of a challenge. I always believed that nothing can be an obstacle to true love. If you really love each other, you can compromise. As long as you try, put in effort from both sides, seek understanding, communicate and build trust, most things are possible.

Yet, that isn't that case usually. We hear of breakups, we experience breakups. Do you think you can ever fully get over someone after you fell for the person once? I'm not sure. I don't think so. This is especially so when there is much yearning, when things are not working out even though you want to. How many chances can we give? How long can we fight? Is love really so transient? How much effort is worth it?

Sometimes, we give up hope on a whim. Sometimes, we give up hope thinking that we have thought it through probably, only to realise that we didn't a long time later. Then we realised that we still love our ex and we would still want to give it a try. But the awkward-ness, the past, everything that has happened, made it difficult. Maybe it was difficult for even one party to initiate again, to say I love you again, and to ask to be together again. Or maybe one or both parties are afraid to get hurt again. Despite the imploding memories and feelings, that step was difficult.

And from then onwards, we can only look at the sky and wonder if the other person is looking at the sky at the same time, and wondering if that person is missing you.
And we will wonder to ourselves, why despite loving each other so much, having so much faith, we still had to live our lives without another.
And we will wonder, what would have happened if we had picked up the courage, to forgive, to have faith, to trust that it will all work out even if there are difficulties.
And we will wonder, why did we give up, on a spur of a moment, after only considering for a short time, even after many years.

"In my next life I won't be the one to let you go".

"In the parallel universe, perhaps we are together".

So why can't it be this life? Why can't it be this universe?

I'll never know. Sometimes love is like that. And at the end of all things, despite how much we want to cry, we can only smile and say to the other person, take care and be happy. And despite saying things like "as long as you are happy, I will be", you know deep inside your heart, you want to be the person to make them happy. You want to be the main lead of that person's life. Yet, saying that is all you can do. And the most cruel thing is when the other party knows that you are the one who makes him/her happy, but that person cannot bear to tell you. Or that person told you, and you insist that it's not true, even if it is.

It's not just about feelings, it's also about compatibility, and what the future holds. But I would go against the world with you, for you. Yet, that's not what always happens.

And I can only say, "as long as you are happy, I will be".

Brain Storm: Talk To Me

Humans are creatures which communicate. Our method of communication is complex, even without words. But what exactly sets us and other animals apart when it comes to survival would be words. As human beings, we are meant to talk to each other. That's how we get our ideas across. We are suppose to be social creatures.

I remember there was a Facebook question spreading around asking "What do you think is the most important thing in a relationship?" There were a few options, among them were "Trust", "Communication", "Sex" and some other crap. Most would say trust. But I say communication. How many people can have so much faith from the start? You need to build faith up, you need to build trust up. It's true that words alone won't do, actions are needed too. But communication is the method to get that done. It is needed to give reassurance, to clear misunderstandings, to apologise for mistakes. Nobody is a mind reader. Thousands of scenarios are possible just from one misjudged fact.

The folly of men is when we assume a knowledge not given to us.

I remember telling myself this when I'm in secondary 3. As I get older I think it applies more than ever, especially to people important to you in your life. Assumptions always causes mistrust. And it'll take more to maintain relationships or friendships than we were in our innocent young selves.

So talk to me. I'm not afraid of awkwardness. Communication will overcome that. I'm not afraid of the overwhelming truth. I can handle that. I'll be here and I won't run away. Just talk to me.

Brain Storm: How Can You Assume?

Life is complicated. There are too many possibilities and situations. When two people cross paths in each others' lives, there tends to be too much of a guessing game. Sometimes one tend to believe that he or she knows the other party well enough. When an action is taken, one tends to assume that the actions is taken due to his/her belief of what the other person is.

But there are so many personalities and situations. How are you sure that the person is referring to you, the actions is done because of this, or that feeling is the most dominant one.

How would you know? How can you assume that the other party is assuming this or that?

Brain Storm: Right Brain Psychology

At my first biological psychology tutorial, we learnt something interesting. Let's say you need to put on make up (for guys just put yourselves in girls' perspectives), would you use a mirror, or would you use the projection on a screen from a video camera of yourself? Before you answer this question in a bimbotic way, it's good to know that most humans perceive emotions, visuals with their right brain and motory actions, logic with their left brain. If you use your right brain to think, you tend to focus on your left. This means that if you are right brain-ed, when you look at someone, you tend to look on the left side of his or her body. Taking this in mind, would you use a mirror or a video camera?

 

 

The answer is video camera. The reason is simple. When people look at you, they focus on your right half of the body because to their perspective, their left is your right. However, you yourself are also most likely a right brain-ed human. You tend to look at your left as well. A mirror projects a mirror image, ie. when you look at your reflection, your left remains your left, your right remains your right. Since you tend to focus on your left as a right brain-ed creature, you will focus your make up on your left but other people look at your right. On the other hand, a video camera projects an image the same way another person is looking at you. Therefore when you look at your projection through a video camera, your left is your right and your right is your left. Thus you'll prefer to use a video camera to put on make up. Guys, you should try to focus on making your right half look better if you want to impress a right brain-ed girl. If you know that she is left brain-ed, then focus on your left.

Brain Storm: My Intangible Talent

During one of my camps, I was lamenting about how some of my friends either have musical talents, are smart or look handsome/beautiful, and some people simply have awesome personalities, while I have none of those. My friend then said "but you have leadership qualities". Hmm, I raised an eyebrow. How can you tell that I have leadership qualities? To what extent? How do you quantify that?

I don't deny that out in the working world, leadership qualities will be important. Still, there are different types of those qualities. Being able to work well in one area doesn't mean you'll be able to lead well in another field, etc. Further, you can't classify things like "hey I have more leadership qualities than you". It's very vague and difficult to judge. Even if I am doing well currently in my job scope, that doesn't mean I will do well if I am put into another position. I do understand that such issues are a concern even for other talents, for music, good looks and so on, it might not be easy to quantify. But let's face it. Leadership is even harder. And there's still a fine line between a good do-er and a good leader.

I am a rather confident person. I won't say I am someone who can't lead. At least for this field, I know I am not hopeless. But I'll have to admit that you don't get people coming up to tell you that you are a good leader and many times, the outcome of a process or event does not show you whether you have succeeded as a leader or not or just isn't good enough to prove much. Simply because the event could have failed from other reasons. And there's no reason to deny leadership capabilities just because something went wrong. So how do we judge?

I could do with a more tangible talent. I may have one, it's just that I haven't discovered it. But no matter what, I'm glad that at least I already have something I can count on, even if only I believe in it. It's good enough.

Brain Storm: Preferential Treatment By Maturity

Today when I went to buy books with Nard in COOP, the counter guy first asked if we were from NUS. On knowing that Nard isn't from NUS, he asked if we were brothers cause we look alike (like O_o right?). Then I asked them "so who is the older brother?" and they said, me. Mind you Nard is way taller than me. It reminds me that although my real brother (blood related) is way bigger size than me too, many people also say I'm the older one.

I like to be recognised as the older person. I take it as a sign of higher maturity. Yes, I know it doesn't necessarily mean that way. I also do not take offense that it means I look old. Not that I care anyway. In many situations, I tend to be the one who takes care of others. People will come to me for advice, for perspectives. While maturity alone doesn't justify me being Aunt Agony, I think it makes up a big part of it. I don't really think of myself as someone who seems approachable. Thus there must be some other reasons why people ask me. There's not many, but hey, it's not bad considering my gangster face and cocky attitude.

Still, recently I guess I felt a bit jaded. I felt happy during those times when I could be like a kid. I don't mean those times when I play pretending and make a fool out of myself. I mean those times when I can act like I'm younger because I really am younger. I met up with this senior recently and when he treated me like a kid, patted on my head, I was all like "wow, when was the last time someone did that to me?" Did I feel good because I haven't felt top-down love (in terms of age and seniority) in a long time? Was it because I lacked attention (not the normal attention but that of my real psychological needs) for so long? I'm not too sure. When I hang out with my Council friends, I felt happier too these few days. I am the youngest (and the only one from my batch) member in the Council and I feel unrestricted when I'm with them. I can ask them for advice, I totally don't need to act like I'm strong and I don't have to show concern for them out of the way. Because they know better. And they care.

When was the last time a junior asked me "what's wrong" or "tell me your problems" and I felt at ease talking to them about it?

Never.
It's not that I have too much pride or ego to show my weakness to them. It's just that when I talk to older (or rather more matured people), I feel like they know, they really understand and they can help. Perhaps it's the urge to want to hide under a guardian's wing too, after giving away all my care and concern.

It's like an age thing. Nobody forces it on you, but when you feel older, you feel responsible. I feel that way all the time, but not that I don't like it. All in all, I think I still like to be treated like a mature, older adult. I like to be able to take care of people. But once in a while, it's great to be treated like a kid, to be able to act like a kid, and not having to go out of my way to protect anyone.

Brain Storm: Regrets Or Not

Life is a road of regrets. In life, it is either do or no do, or choosing between A or B. And you'll never know what will happen if you had chosen the other option. The regrets are always there. Only the degree defers. You can choose to not think about it, or choose to assume that your choice was the best choice.

But let's face it. You'll never know.